The other day the doorbell rang around noon, as my daughter
was getting ready for kindergarten. Thinking it was a neighbor or a delivery, I
rushed to the door and immediately wished I had run the other direction. It was an estranged family member that
my husband and I purposely had had no contact with for 4 years. At that point
it would have been awkward if I slammed the door, screaming and running for
cover, so I said “hello, good to see you,” and gave him a hug. I quickly
located my husband (thank the Lord he was home) and we all had a superficial
and brief conversation. This person had come into town (he lives out of state)
to try to mend the relationship that once was.
I wish that was possible. He had once played an important
role in our lives. But he had
opened a door to sin, decades ago, and somewhere along the way, he lost sight
of reality. Habitual lying, manipulation, giving gifts with expectations of
something in return, and, at times, outbursts and name calling that no adult
should ever have. After repeatedly being hurt by this person, we decided it was
time to give our relationship with him a break.
We’ve prayed he would change, that he would see how his
words and actions have hurt us and that the relationship could be restored. But
as the conversation trudged on that day, it was clear that he was still the
same person. Instead of attempting
to understand why we had been avoiding him for years, he started in with
accusations. “Does your church know you haven’t spoken to me in 4 years?!” “How
can you say you’re a Christian and not forgive me?!” There was no use arguing
back. We’d say one thing, and he’d hear something completely different. Other family members agree, there’s a
strong disconnect between him and reality.
As Christians we are called to forgive. But there’s a big
difference between forgiveness and putting up boundaries so that a toxic person
can’t - for lack of a better term – repeatedly shit all over you. You would
never expect a woman who’s been raped to have a relationship with her attacker.
Or a child that was molested to be in contact their molester. Thankfully this
situation is not that horrific- but fences need to be kept in tact.
Boundaries with an unsafe person are often essential to
begin that difficult process of forgiveness. I’ve heard it said that unforgiveness is like drinking
poison and expecting the other person to die. And many have experienced just
that; unforgiveness allows bitterness to grow into toxicity that invades every
part of who we are. I believe it can even manifest in a chronic illness. The
Lord wants us to forgive for our own good. But there are some hurts that are so
painful and deep that they require divine healing (to hear a very raw, very
real talk on this subject, click here).
The Lord always provides what He requires. He wouldn’t
command us to do something that He won’t enable us to do. So if the hurt you’ve
experienced is too great to forgive on your own, don’t despair. Just be honest
and allow the Lord to take you through a process of healing and forgiveness,
which may involve the help of professionals and no doubt will take time.
I hope and pray that our relationship with this person will
someday be restored. But until we see a breakthrough in his character, it’s
best for us to keep our fences up and doors locked.
