Toxic People

The other day the doorbell rang around noon, as my daughter was getting ready for kindergarten. Thinking it was a neighbor or a delivery, I rushed to the door and immediately wished I had run the other direction.  It was an estranged family member that my husband and I purposely had had no contact with for 4 years. At that point it would have been awkward if I slammed the door, screaming and running for cover, so I said “hello, good to see you,” and gave him a hug. I quickly located my husband (thank the Lord he was home) and we all had a superficial and brief conversation. This person had come into town (he lives out of state) to try to mend the relationship that once was. 

I wish that was possible. He had once played an important role in our lives.  But he had opened a door to sin, decades ago, and somewhere along the way, he lost sight of reality. Habitual lying, manipulation, giving gifts with expectations of something in return, and, at times, outbursts and name calling that no adult should ever have. After repeatedly being hurt by this person, we decided it was time to give our relationship with him a break.

We’ve prayed he would change, that he would see how his words and actions have hurt us and that the relationship could be restored. But as the conversation trudged on that day, it was clear that he was still the same person.  Instead of attempting to understand why we had been avoiding him for years, he started in with accusations. “Does your church know you haven’t spoken to me in 4 years?!” “How can you say you’re a Christian and not forgive me?!” There was no use arguing back. We’d say one thing, and he’d hear something completely different.  Other family members agree, there’s a strong disconnect between him and reality. 

As Christians we are called to forgive. But there’s a big difference between forgiveness and putting up boundaries so that a toxic person can’t - for lack of a better term – repeatedly shit all over you. You would never expect a woman who’s been raped to have a relationship with her attacker. Or a child that was molested to be in contact their molester. Thankfully this situation is not that horrific- but fences need to be kept in tact.

Boundaries with an unsafe person are often essential to begin that difficult process of forgiveness.  I’ve heard it said that unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. And many have experienced just that; unforgiveness allows bitterness to grow into toxicity that invades every part of who we are. I believe it can even manifest in a chronic illness. The Lord wants us to forgive for our own good. But there are some hurts that are so painful and deep that they require divine healing (to hear a very raw, very real talk on this subject, click here).

The Lord always provides what He requires. He wouldn’t command us to do something that He won’t enable us to do. So if the hurt you’ve experienced is too great to forgive on your own, don’t despair. Just be honest and allow the Lord to take you through a process of healing and forgiveness, which may involve the help of professionals and no doubt will take time.

I hope and pray that our relationship with this person will someday be restored. But until we see a breakthrough in his character, it’s best for us to keep our fences up and doors locked.